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Today's quote
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
--George Bernard Shaw
Today's aphorists quote
Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour.
--Proverbs 18:12
Today's Bushism
We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.
--George W. Bush
Today's Jazz quote
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me!
--Miles Davis
Today's quote on war
History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap.
--Ronald Reagan
Today's funny quote
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
--Fran Lebowitz
Today's philosophers quote
We have art that we do not die of the truth.
--Friedrich Nietzsche
Today's witty quote
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is still continued.
--Helen Rowland
Quotes for the birthday of Dave Barry
Show more quotes.
How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
a waiter at a nice party?
Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is
cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
--Dave Barry 
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
--Dave Barry
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.
What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
--Dave Barry
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II."
--Dave Barry
First, a few words about tools.
Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
--Dave Barry
Falling in Love
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
good idea to check with your doctor.
--Dave Barry
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
--Dave Barry
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
--Dave Barry
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
--Dave Barry
Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about ..."
--Dave Barry
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